Breaking Free from People-Pleasing After Religious Trauma

If you've experienced religious trauma, chances are you're no stranger to people-pleasing. Maybe you grew up in a strict religious community where saying "no" felt impossible, or perhaps you learned that your worth was tied to how much you could serve others or follow the rules. Take Sarah, for example. Raised in a faith where obedience was the ultimate virtue, she spent years bending over backward to please her pastor, her family, and even her friends. She never wanted to disappoint anyone, believing that if she didn’t keep everyone happy, she was failing—not just them, but God too. Over time, Sarah lost sight of her own needs, thoughts, and desires, buried under a mountain of expectations.

People-pleasing often comes from a deep fear of rejection or punishment—emotional, spiritual, or even physical. For someone like Janet, whose church constantly warned of the dangers of questioning authority, asserting her own opinions felt like walking into a fire. She learned early on to go with the flow, agreeing with whatever her parents or religious leaders said, even if it didn’t sit right with her. After all, being seen as rebellious or sinful wasn’t an option. Over time, this constant need for approval from others eroded her self-confidence. The idea of saying "no" or standing up for herself filled her with guilt, as if putting herself first would somehow make her a bad person.

But the truth is, people-pleasing keeps you stuck in a cycle of losing yourself to meet the needs of others. Breaking free from this cycle starts with realizing that it’s okay—necessary, even—to take up space and prioritize your well-being. It might feel foreign at first, like Sarah learning to say "no" without feeling guilty, or Janet starting to voice her opinions without worrying about judgment.